Milestones

Another milestone, another mil-stone.
Not for celebrating, but for uncomfortable silences
Method, repeating to madness
Time served, time burned

Regrets for outcomes
Not prepared to admit to mistakes
A lack of humility is an ugly badge
Worn with pride

The lack of Timeless moments creating a timeline journey
A journey of failure, and of lost hope
Embracing change to fit an intern dialogue
Who is fooling who?

Best supporting actor in one’s own story
Self-sabotage from self-awareness
Yet, there is comfort in knowing the unknown
A sufferer of patterns

Comfortable in one’s own skin
Even if it makes others uncomfortable
Reptile shedding creating illusory landmarks
Seeking timelessness is a fools errand

Looking at the Moon

Night talking
Sharing the moon

Two views, unique yet equal
Apart by thousands of miles
Separated by circumstance, and timing
Together by a bond of undeniable connection

A skewed impression, magnified by time zones
Together though voice, picture, heart, and moonlight

I wish I could write a love poem.
Like the moon wishes it could live on earth
A voyeur of heartache, tragedy, love, and distance

Staring down at upturned faces
Conjoined, but in different places

Ghosts

They are, here.
Notable by their absence
The departed and ever-present
Tied by connection
Stronger than bondage

Broken
Leaving scars
To be picked over, made to bleed, made to hurt.
To scab over, to heal,
But always to leave a mark,

Faded by time,
Hounded,
Haunted.

The moved on, have moved on
One way streets have no rear view mirrors
The ghosts are not to terrify
But to horrify with the past pictures
And old photographs

Not actions, but symbols
The ever-present echo
Love that has decayed
Rotted on the vine

Sour in mind, body, spirit, and soul
The supplication of priests and prophets
Well intended, misguided, and futile
Some call it baggage
Others ghosts
Possibilities like quantum theory
Living on in the minds and memories of those left behind.

Remembered Collapse

In the prelude to collapse
We fetishized our destruction with North Korean paratroop drops,
alien invasion,
and Mayan prophecy
Islam, sharia, and weapons of mass deception.
We feared the reds under the bed
And cigars off the coast of Florida.
We feared disease, but not enough to care
And vaccines, because they might work.
The others, the different, the opposing points of view
All to be relegated, and subjugated, to a dissidence of cognition.
Compromise, idealize, the perfect, and the blameless
All to be demonized and lost in the blindness.

Collapse, when it came, came in the form of no toilet paper, and plastic bags of gasoline.
We handed over the shackles of our manipulation in exchange for cat pictures and remembered birthdays.
Our attention was sold into slavery by our need for connection, and our unwillingness to talk to our neighbors.
We offered our thoughts and prayers and passed the ammunition.
Debate became trolling
To fact check – a lack of a sense of humor.
And we wrung our hands at becoming an also ran
At looking at others with envious eyes
Not used to “it must be nice.”
As the police murdered traffic violators, and children with plastic toys
The Boogaloo Boys and tacticool idiots lay down with agent provocateurs and the KKK.
Cities protested, burned, and looted with outrage
Stoking the fears of white bread and flyover country.
Fake news, fake news, fake news
The alternative facts filling our bubble.

Looking back on the collapse
We squandered good will and power.
Self-interest that should have become self-loathing
Instead became parody, funny until it was not.
We fought over ownership of the flag, used it as a garrote, and a noose.
You cannot see the label when you are in the jar.
Our remembered lies of nonexistent times did nothing for progress,
Or art.
Or literature.
Or politics.
Or journalism.
We murdered the intellectual, drowned them in a sit-com soup
And then bashed in their skulls in with TV dedicated to making idiots famous.
We then tried to destroy television and film with streaming and Logan Paul.
The honest and the decent, only to be recognized in retrospect, and then to still to have their wishes ignored.

Our reality augmented with filters, captions, and emojis.
We sold California to the world via cops shows and talking cars
And then rejected the vision and the dream.
An American dream with ad breaks and sponsorship.
And we bought guns, guns, and more guns.
We bought guns because we were scared
And we bought guns because it was our right
We bought guns to protect us from others with guns
And we bought guns because we could.
We sold our soul to the world
And then spat in their face when they took us at our word.

We cancelled, cancelled, cancelled,
We failed to understand that when we did it, it was justified outrage
And when they did it was cancel culture.
What culture?
We burned away our culture in a crucible of self-righteousness.

We invited this.
Suicidal ideation by a nation in name only.
Apathy to ideas,
Ideas traded for the cult of personality.
Addiction is defined by consequences.
Hope only exists at rock bottom.

Bad Sex

Compatibility is more than your taste in jazz
Wavelength of intimacy
Frequency of past comparisons

A stranger in bed, destined to remain so
Souvenirs to be purged and forgotten about
Flotsam to jettison

Memories of the good times rear with a vengeance
The incapacity of what could have been
Sharp relief of cold reality

The world as it is, a world not to be
Evidence -where none is needed, what has gone is gone
The remains, shit

Unable to compete with perfect timing
And the weight of rose tints
Bad decisions, on top of what we want rather than what we need

Loving someone is not the problem.

Reciprocation is a bitch.

For The Love of Dog

I’m home.

Four legs, a tail, and a nose
A ball of emotion in fur

Just asking to be fed
And a place on the bed

My daily little betrayals – forgiven as always

The joy of an arrival
and the heartbreak of a journey not taken

Their dedication to being there,
only matched by their confusion at a closed door

Their incomprehension when the routine changes

It’s their house, I’m the tenant
I’m the help

But I also play god
And there is worship in their eyes

I’m just trying to be the person my dogs think I am.

A Day to Remember

A bed not of my making
A room sterile
Strangers with kindness
And judgement

An anonymous high window
An air conditioning vista
An uncomfortable chair
and a person I don’t know

The sounds of pain
Not my world, someone else’s problem
Trying to be invisible and anonymous
Dignity left on the couch

Watching meaningless TV
Processing, processing,
Betrayal is a word bandied about
To add to the day I will remember for the rest of my life.

No trust
A reversion to childhood disease
Without the ice cream
Jokes and a personal life stripped away – probably for the best

What is past is questioned
The future is doubt
Alone, guilty, and lost
Trying not to be a cause or a punchline

A choice is given with a side of sigma
The collapsing of a life
The fallout is lives
An accomplice in the hidden is born

A rat in a maze
Pushed by circumstance and a Gordian Knot
This is not a joy ride
But a crossing of a Rubicon

Locked in but resisting the urge to walk out
To find a parking garage
A busy street
Anywhere but with thought and memory or nowhere

Orderly lines and mind altering pills
Community in disunity
Trying to find safety in a safe space
Finding adversity and rules

The separation of days leads to the separation of minds
Shared adversity is now anger and betrayal
That word again
Forever, and silently, accepted

Days turn to weeks
Accusation turns to acceptance
Of sorts
Nothing is forgotten, and words cut with unsaid barbs

When home beckons
And another community of disunity opens its doors
“How’s that working for you”
Frustration and hopelessness

But the sun is shining
It’s Christmas
Does it matter?
There is an end in sight but wreckage remains

Weeks end, and reality, no more mundane, but real just the same, returns
The unsaid remains a storm cloud
And a rejection of one world by another hurts
Much like the acceptance plays out like revenge

The rain eventually came
Like most pregnant storms – the relief was palpable
Moves and changes in purpose
A slow motion disintegration

Between the Lines

The words are few and far
Dance our dance
Not communicating to talk to one another
Over analyzing a like, a love, a care

Pretending to Ignore, what remains unsaid
Interrupted with flashes of honesty, and the ghosts of days past
The lockdown pause; an excuse, or just the world
The loss of traveled moments and FaceTime

As the compartmentalization of lives solidifies
And drifting ships make sail
There is hope in memory, and the delusion of future facts
What is deleted holds no power

What are the games that are played on the other side?
Has discovery led to understanding?
Or does fear lead to presence?
The reality of acceptance is unacceptable

If there is only memory, what need for souvenirs.
Time precedes as always
Wounds heal or fester depending on reading or dreaming
The intangible in-between makes for an uncomfortable companion

Dreaming between the lines

Sick

At home, but the stranger
Unwelcome in a safe space
Commute from bed to couch to bed
The fears
irrational
of permanence.

Eat to feel better, only
No guilt or rules
In praise of best laid plans
Masks cast side
Raw behavior exposed by misery and self pity

Wasted time and wasted sleep
A battle lost in the war of productivity
No joy, no accomplishments
An ever shifting palate
To match an an inexhaustible need to snooze.

The shame of work rotting on the vine
Left for later or left for others
Fear of being less than a participant
Of being just a spectator, and not a good spectator at that.

There is no nobility in sickness
Kept from view and experience
Detritus of disgust and revulsion
Pharmacological tic-tac-toe
With a chaser of “drink more fluids.”

Sick of being sick
Of being an outsider stuck inside.
A life to be better lived in better times
Self indulgence is the last refuge
But just as lacking in compassion

Intellectual pursuits become flim and flam
Parties of a lack of partying
Fools gold of measured behavior
Awaiting a return that is a distant land
A mirage of how things used to be

Another day ticks across
Reducing time to events rather than hours
Memory blended before memories ended
Like the fading of illness
More than the return of wellness